4 posts tagged “postpartum”

You read it right, Brad and I went out alone and left Harper at home with her Aunt Sarah. I felt a little bit guilty about leaving her, and a little bit paranoid, but, ultimately, it felt really nice to be out for just a few hours and not have to worry about her. We totally trust Sarah so that part of it was no issue whatsoever. Anyway, we went out on Wednesday night to the movies. It was my birthday so Brad thought it would be nice to take me out. I was hoping to go out to the matinée on Saturday but he went ahead and bought tickets and we went on my actual bday instead. At first I was disappointed as I was SO tired and just wanted to stay home and try to watch Top Chef. But, afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had pumped earlier in the day so Harper had plenty to eat and I didn't need to worry about her needing formula.

First Brad brought home dinner and dessert from one of my favorite restaurants. He poured me a glass of wine (which I didn't drink....I'd be waaaaay too tired!) and tried to set a little mood because it was my bday, It didn't work out too well because Sarah and my mom-in-law were here and so were my sister, mom, and Aly and the baby was crying and some people were leaving and others coming. I was right there with Harper, overstimulated! We left the house about 7 (after I walked Sarah through just about every possible scenario I could think of!) and went to see the new Raiders of the Lost Ark movie. It was campy and a non-thinker but that was perfect! I didn't need to go and see anything where I had to think much :) After the movie we left and came straight home. Got home about 10. Sarah was doing fine and Harper was ready for bed (but sweating quite a bit...). After Sarah left I noticed that she had put Harper in a onesie, then a sleeping gown, and then her fleece sleep sack and swaddler :) Oops. She was waaaay too hot. I fixed her up and off to sleep she went......

For two hours. Gack! And that's how it's been since then. Here I was thinking that we were crossing a milestone and she was sleeping longer stretches and now she's actually sleeping LESS. I am out of my mind tired. Just trying to catch an hour nap here and there as I can. I am down to about 5 hours of sleep a night and it is taking Harper a lot longer to settle back down. That, and she's not nursing as well either so I sometimes wake up with really hard breasts leaking all over the place. She does pretty well on my right side but seems to hate my left. She cries and sometimes screams when I try to get her to take it. It takes quite a while to get her latched on there. Wah!!! I feel like crying. But, I just plug along. I do wonder if her dislike has anything to do with the small subcutaneous cyst I had removed from that breast in 2007. I've read that any surgery to the breast can affect the nursing. I don't know, though, I'm probably grasping at straws. I'm just hoping this is a little phase and that it will pass. Keep on hanging in there, you know.

So it's 1:30 and I'm still in my pj's. It gets hard sometimes to find a time to get showered.

I saw my surgeon yesterday and he said I am about 80% healed. I can drive a little now. Just shortish distances, though, and there is still no exercise (except for brief walks) and certainly no sex. I see him again in 2 weeks. After getting to the doc's yesterday I had a meltdown. Just getting out of the house and getting ready and getting there and getting home can sometimes still be very overwhelming for me. That fact that I am running on empty sleep-wise doesn't help either.

I have no plans for the weekend. Maybe I will try to get to church. We'll see. I am still just so damn paranoid about Harper breaking down and screaming. I know it's what babies do sometimes but I still just get really uncomfortable about it at this point. She is a somewhat fussy girl and I am still figuring her out!  

Go Me!! This is really the first time since Harper's birth that I've set out to really accomplish something non baby related. And, I'm doing it! It's about 9pm and Harper has settled in to bed so I thought that instead of just watching tv, I'd actually try to do something. Now, don't get too excited, they are muffins from a mix (I know, that is SO anti-me), but it's something, right? And, I started clearing off the dining room table. It has been covered with crap since we came home from the hospital. I must say, it really feels good to do something that is semi-related to my old life. It makes me feel like maybe someday I will have a handle on all of this and be able to balance the old and the new!

I am pretty happy with myself. I have been feeling a lot better the last few days and I am getting better and better at reading Harper. I still have my down moments but they are fewer are farther between. So, maybe I can get through with no meds after all......I am hoping. Harper passed her official 1 month bday and all of a sudden started sleeping a much longer stretch in the first of her overnight stretches. She would usually wake up every three hours no matter what (sometimes less) but now when I put her down sometime around 8-9pm, she sleeps until about 2 or so. I should take that time and head straight to bed, but I just can't seem to settle in at that time no matter how tired I am. It sucks. So, I am still only getting about 3 hours before getting up to feed her because I go to bed later. Unfortunately, that long stretch is only at the beginning of the night. After that, the stretches get progressively shorter. In the end, I am usually getting about 6 hours of sleep total over night. That's not bad but it's still so broken up that I'm pretty tired by about 2 in the afternoon. Problem is, I have a devil of a time napping. I just go and lie in my bed and then my mind starts to race so I wind up getting up again. Oh well. Brad did put heavy shades up in Harper's room tonight so I'm hoping that helps the wide awake between 5 and 6am syndrome that Harper seems to have. It's like once it's light outside, she ain't sleeping. We'll see......

We officially have a shower and bathtub upstairs! It's a miracle. Brad and my dad had a marathon work day on Sunday and got it all installed. I have already taken two baths. It has been almost a year since I've been able to bathe at home. I think I've had two baths total in that time, one at a hotel and one at my mother-in-law's house. Anyway, I am thrilled! I went to my mom-in-law's for the day with Harper so we didn't have to listen to all the banging.

Yesterday we all went to my mom-in-law's for a picnic and get together. It was Brad's immediate family along with mine. Nothing special but at least I got out of the house again. And, I like being around the family because I get a nice break from constant baby duty. It's really nice to just sit and watch others interact with Harper. It's also getting a lot better because I am reading her cues so much better now. Instead of getting all worked up about her crying I'm able to decipher that she's hungry, needs changing, or is tired or wants to have "active" time. And, even when she is crying, I have a lot less anxiety about it.

I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon on Thursday. I am hoping that he will clear me to drive again. It has been a long haul having to rely on everyone to get me places. I don't mind yet that I really still need help at home with the baby while Brad is at work but being able to drive to my appointments or to make a quick trip out will really be nice. I'm also hoping he clears me for sex (hee hee, I doubt it, though) and exercise (just low impact). I think both of those things would be good for me and my psyche :)

Did I mention before that I lost 40 pounds?? Well, I gained a pound...go me! Too bad I haven't lost much in my middle. I certainly don't look pregnant at all but the middle just doesn't bounce back. It's still pretty saggy. Instead, I no longer have an ass or thighs. I am wondering if the breastfeeding is what is making it that I don't put much weight back on? I'm not sure but I wouldn't mind getting a little back on the backside and losing some around the middle. All of my pre-pregnancy pants fit but I still have a few pairs that I would like to get back into that I won't be able to unless the middle unthickens a little.

Well, I don't have much more to report, I guess. I'm having a glass of wine right now and feeling just a tad guilty about it. That said, I don't think I'll make it through the whole thing as I'm already feeling a little tingly. Lightweight! That's what 10 months without will do to you. I was going to write one more things here but I have no idea what it was. I guess I must be drunk......

Just kidding.

Oh, I just remembered...it's that I have a bunch of photos that I will try to post some of soon. I just ordered Photoshop Elements today so I have to wait for it to arrive. Stupid iPhoto is too "easy" for me to use.....I want to have more control over my photos than it will allow me to have.

I went to the grocery store yesterday with my mom and Harper. I know it doesn't sound like much but trust me, it was a BIG step for me. I haven't had Harper really out in public except for a baby shower I went to last week and a *very* brief trip to Target (just to get a nursing bra, literally in and out). Anyway, we got the stroller loaded in the car and and off we went. As soon as we got there, I started to feel nervous. I don't really know why. Just being out I guess after being so sheltered in my home and the hospital for so long. All I could think about was "Is she going to start to freak out and cry/scream?" Well, about 20 minutes in, she did. I started fretting big time. My mom told me to just take the cart and she would tend to Harper but I just couldn't stop worrying. I don't even know what I was worrying about really. Anyway, I then started to lose it. I felt like I was going to cry, I felt like how would I ever be able to manage all this on my own, I felt like I just wanted to get the hell out of there, I felt like I wanted my old life back, I felt like I just wanted to grab Harper and run to safety, I felt like I wanted to just melt into the floor and cry. I also got this pit in my stomach and started to feel really anxious. My mom was a dear, though, and just kept telling me everything's ok, babies cry, it's no big deal. So, I plodded on. Once we got out into the car, I lost it. I nursed Harper in the back seat and cried all over her little head. I should've known better than to take a trip out at that time of day (about 3:30-4:00pm). I have been tracking how I'm feeling and I notice that I feel pretty good once I am up out of bed and starting the day and then I feel ok until about 3:30 when I plunge into a real hole. Then, about 5:30 or so, I start to pick back up because I know Brad will be coming home soon. *sigh* At least I am no longer feeling awful about everything all the time. I guess that's progress, right!?

Speaking of progress, I feel the need to document some little victories so I can focus on them. Sometimes I think I'm far to much of a big picture girl so I need to remember to celebrate the little things as they are all I've got right now!

1. Harper is fussing A LOT less. I do think that my doc is right and that she was hungry. Even though she is gaining weight nicely, she was still so very fussy. My doc said she thought Harper was hungry and that we should supplement her with about an ounce of formula after I nurse her. Well, it has worked wonders. I'm not happy that I have to supplement but I do know there are a lot of women who have to.

2. I don't always have to supplement Harper with formula. I have been trying to pump after every feeding and while I don't get a lot out, every little bit helps. This morning I supplemented with breastmilk instead of formula and that felt really good.

3. Harper is finally agreeing to take a bottle. Know what made the difference? I was thinking it was the bottle and she didn't want it, instead I have figured out that I need to warm up whatever is in it a little bit. I was told previously that room temp formula/breastmilk was fine but she would never take that bottle that way. Yesterday, my mom said I think you need to warm that up and sure enough, about 5 minutes steeping in some warm water and she took the bottle fine!

4. I am not sleeping any more but Harper is def figuring out that night time is time to sleep. During the day I usually change her, nurse her, and then she has some awake time staring at things or I play with her a little bit before she takes a little nap. At night, though, I just get up and nurse her, change her between breasts, and then put her back down and she is really taking to it. She usually goes right back to sleep. I have noticed this works a lot better if I don't talk to her much when up in the night. My doc suggested this. She said to me it would help Harper distinguish between sleeping time and party time :) She is still up every 3hrs or less and then I'm up for about an hour at a time, but I at least don't have to deal with a crying or wide awake baby during that time. She starts settling in for the night about 8 and is then back to more wakeful time about 7am.

5. I'm not feeling like I'm in the depths of despair 24/7. Instead, I am really only feeling bad during that late afternoon period. Sometimes if seeps in around the edges but I am trying to be really practical about it. I am still wanting to conquer this on my own and not need any meds.

6. I'm trying  really hard not to take it personally when Harper cannot be consoled. This morning she got up and had a nice wakeful period after eating. About an hour after eating, though, she started getting really fussy and crying and screaming a little bit. I knew she wasn't hungry (no rooting/etc. and when I tried to nurse her a bit it only lasted a minute or so) but I didn't know what to do. I started feeling sad and frustrated when all of a sudden she got really red and blasted out a poop! Geez Erika, the poor baby was uncomfortable because she needed to get that out! After it was out, she settled right back down.

7. Harper is almost smiling at me! We play "where's the baby" (ok, I do) and she focuses right in on me and gets this half smile on her face. I think she will be really smiling at me within a few weeks and I can't wait!

8. Harper is really alert during her awake periods and is soaking in her world. She looks all over the place and focuses on little toys if I dangle them in front of her. My mother-in-law brought over some printed out black and white patterns this morning and Harper fixated on them for about half and hour.

Ok, I know I have nothing else to write about but my new baby life but this is what I've got right now so bear with me!
Can I tell you anything else?? Anything non baby related? Hmmm, let's see.....
I had half a beer yesterday and it tasted great!
I watch way too much TV now.
I fell halfway down the stairs yesterday.....I'm ok, just bruised.
I dished up dinner last night (major milestone...but I didn't cook it).
The baby's sleeping and I'm able to post! (ok that was baby related but still...)

Well, I started the day out feeling pretty good and upbeat and now I am back down in a hole. This happens to me and I hate it so much. I just want to be positive and be through all this mess with my delivery and healing and whatnot but it is really hard. Yesterday I had a HUGE wake up call when we had Harper at the doc (also my doc) and she wrote me a prescription for Zoloft "just in case." She told me if ever there was a candidate for postpartum depression, I am it. I know she is right but I just don't want to go on any meds. I want to be able to work through this all on my own. Also, because I am still only 3 weeks and 2 days out from all of the drama/trauma and am trying to cope with a newborn on top of all of it, I'm not convinced that the feelings I'm experiencing aren't normal. I have to allow myself to grieve, right? Brad and I talked last night (when I was feeling better and less emotional and more rational) and he agreed to just support me as much as needed. I think I am going to give it until the 6 week mark before I even think about filling the prescription. The thing that really hit me was that she told me that if I go on it, I have to be on it for at least 9 months! If you go off of it before then, you have a chance of relapse. Ugh. It is just really hard, ladies.

Harper is doing really well according to both my doc and the lactation consultant. Yesterday I had an appointment with the LC and then she had her 2 week check up (a week late) at the doc. She has a small birth mark on her face that we need to keep track of. If it doesn't fade or it grows, we'll probably get it removed but that is a long way in the future. My doc said they usually wait until the kid is 3 before thinking about removal. Harper also has a small hernia below her belly button. Unless it heals on its own (which is unlikely I guess), she'll need to have it fixed but not before she turns a year old (unless it starts getting a lot bigger). Of course, the thought of my baby having surgery plunged me into a deeper hole but I know this type of surgery is pretty routine. Brad had a hernia when he was a baby, too, and didn't wind up having it fixed until he was 5. 10 days ago Harper weighed 6lbs 5oz and yesterday she was up to 7lbs 1oz. I was thrilled to hear that as I have been so worried that I am not producing enough for her. My doc said that if she is really fussy we need to think about supplementing with some formula as she may be hungry. She said if Harper was colicky she would be screaming non-stop so she doesn't think she is. I would just be happy if Harper were a little less high maintenance but I also realize that I am not in top shape and that she is still settling in and that I am still trying to figure out how to live with a whole new person who needs my undivided attention much of the day! I just long for her to be able to sit nicely in her bouncy seat and just hang out and observe the world. That said, though, I have noticed that after I nurse if I put her down on a blanket she will lie there and observe the world for about 20 minutes or so before a meltdown. The meltdowns are pretty hard, though! I've decided that when they happen, I just need to stick her on the boob and she settles. It's just still very hard for me physically at this stage so it can be pretty frustrating for all of us.

Do I sound like a total downer? I'm sorry if I do. I am just being realistic about how I feel and I feel guilty sometimes for feeling down and frustrated. It's certainly not Harper's fault and man, does she make my heart beat a little faster when she is quietly nursing in the middle of the night. I could almost cry just looking at her sometimes. And, I will admit that I have apologized to her already for being a horrible mother. I know I'm not, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes! I just have to keep telling myself that this too shall pass and soon I will be out and about with her running my normal errands and settling into my new role as mother.

Leets, when did you finally feel settled in? You know, able to do a few things around the house for yourself and able to grocery shop and able to make a meal? I know it will be longer for me but I'm looking for a little bit of a benchmark here!

Here's to more up days ahead! I WILL PREVAIL!!!!!!!